thoughts

One Step Forward…

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Image by Raka Saputra from Pixabay

I seem to be taking one step forward and two back…

The recent productivity is having a knock-on effect on everything, and although I welcome this, I am having trouble understanding why I end up with so many more plans than those I started with. Usually, having nothing to do with what I am doing at the time.

Finishing one job lands me among all those ghosts of other projects I either made a mess of, or completely forgot about.

My mind does try, bless it, to think along dual idea lines, and I have had serious talks with the muse to stop cramming my head with so many ideas, to at least wait until I finish one!

Eventually, of course, my enthusiasm fades, leaving me to struggle on, stubborn to the last. I could do without the never-ending tooth and earache, as they seem to have addled quite a few of my struggling grey cells!

I mean, how long does it take an extraction to heal?

I was going to ring the doctor today, but somehow I can’t make myself pick up the phone, mainly because I know she will fob me off with the same pills as last time, and also because I’m not sure if the toothache is making the ear problem worse, or the other way around.

I have the sneaky feeling that once you approach 80, they start to edge you towards the compost heap, as there has been a noticeable lack of enthusiasm whenever I mention one of my many long-standing problems.

This state of affairs leaves me unwilling to bother, preferring to wait and see what happens while continuing with salt rinses and painkillers. I am also experimenting with CBD drops as they are supposed to help with arthritis and the accompanying depression of everything else.

So far, I am managing to write and run the office…

Jaye’s New Oddness…

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Image by Merio from Pixabay

Somehow, I must have turned a certain age or a corner in my life. It must be something, for I seem to be changing.

As I get nearer to my seventy-eighth birthday, I have noticed oddness going on.

Odd is a very good word for what I am feeling.

Lately, you may have noticed that I have been bragging about all the writing I have been doing, but other good stuff has been going on too.

This time of year usually has a welcome effect on me, what with my bonsai collection changing from a row of twigs into beautiful trees overnight.

This year, after the steady inertia of Winter, everything has suddenly started to feel different.

It’s not just what I am doing though, it’s everything that’s going on in my head. (Which at my age is nothing short of remarkable)

Things that used to matter are soaring over my head without pausing to bash me on the head. I no longer want to bite anyone who tries to order me about or cast aspersions all over my plans and dreams.

Believe me, this last thing is having a profound effect on me.

I am like a different person. These past few days, the reason for these changes has been slipping unheeded into my subconscious, but within reach on those thoughtful days. (I hope you get days like that.)

I am deliberately not dwelling on what this might mean, regarding my mental health, as this doesn’t matter either.

You know how our muses can come and go? Well, all my guilty secrets seem to have gone the same way. I am calmer than I have ever been. I just wish I knew how it happened, so I can repeat it if necessary.

If I forget something, or make mistakes (the best one of all) I know it doesn’t really matter as I will get it right tomorrow…

Jaye

Looking Back in Time… Remembering…

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This post was written a while ago and is one of my favourites. I really must do more of these…

DSCF2214
My Screensaver

I am in the habit of changing my screen saver/background image quite often. I  like to have something lovely on my computer screen, as it is the first thing I see every morning.

This picture appealed to me for several reasons. I love trees, and this one is lovely but also ethereal, the mist hiding most of the scene. I particularly like the contrast between the nakedness of the sleeping tree and the tree covered in blossom.

I have recently found myself  ‘skimming’ when reading and writing, and I am not seeing or describing anything enough, which is not good. This post is an exercise not only for my eyes but also for my imagination. I don’t want to think of my old age robbing me of so much of my enjoyment of life.

The blossom tree in this image attracted me first, being frustratingly out of focus enough to prevent easy identification. The blossoms are pure white, with no hint of colour, and the petals are delicate and small. The branches look old, but the slender double trunk would suggest otherwise. Are there any more clues in the picture?

The tree is blooming very early. The companion trees are still bare, their branches stark and austere looming through the mist. Winter has not long departed, as I imagine the chilly dampness of the morning on my skin. The shrubbery in the background is sparse, too, confirming that Mother Nature is not fully awake yet.

My mind sifts through my knowledge of flowering trees and comes up with a likely choice. Is it a Magnolia, one of the small-flowered varieties, maybe Stellata?

Moving on from the details of the image, my mind is not finished. I wonder where this lovely little tree is. The setting would suggest a park, for the area seems too big to be someone’s garden. Vague images hide in the mist, indicating far more space than first thought.

Could that be a roof I see? It doesn’t look like the roof of a house, though…

My mind yearns to explore this scene, visit the tree and then walk into the mist to see what I can discover…

Jaye

Jaye’s Weekly Thoughts…

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or What the Hell do the Fates have in store this week?

When this week began, I was determined to do something, anything to make me feel as though I was still on the right page. Any page, mind you, so I left it up to fate to point me in the right direction.

This was before I realised I had a dental appointment. It has been cancelled so many times, I was beginning to think it would never happen, despite having had toothache for months. Not a terrific way to start the week, I thought, secretly hoping they would cancel again as I walked through town.

It was too nice a day for pain and/or discomfort, something that usually happens the minute I sit in the chair, and I wasn’t expecting anything less, as the plan was to remove an incredibly old crown and investigate the reason for the toothache.

I knew this would include the dreaded needle that always made my eyes water. Unavoidable, but after being stabbed like a pin cushion, I didn’t care what they got up to, as I wouldn’t feel a thing!

Turns out, the infection was extensive, YUCKY according to the dentist, so today’s visit was a good thing. Could this have been the reason for my dizziness and earache? Time will tell, but I really hope it was.

Back at home with a temporary cap on the now pristine stump, I tried to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of the week. The WIP, or overdue promotion? I had a list, of course, but reading it didn’t help at all.

What I need is a visit from the muse, someone or something to choose something and insist I do it. I still feel determined, even though my guidance system seems to be out to lunch, despite my good intentions.

I will sign off now and continue to hope for the best. I will let you know what happens, if anything, next week…

Jaye

I Don’t Know… #Poetry

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Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay
Who do we pray to when we kneel?
I don’t know
A God made by man
From clay, like a golem
Brought to life by wishing it so
We gave Him all the power
save free will?

It is written, ask, knock
and the door will open
Like open sesame
Why do we ask, knock?
only to get no answer
I DON’T KNOW

We gave him a get out clause
His mysterious ways
Yet his name is the first from our lips
When troubles pursue
STILL, I DON’T KNOW


 ©AnitaDawes2022

Carrot Ranch Literary Community #PoetryChallenge

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February 21: Story Challenge in 99-words

February 21, 2022, prompt: In 99 words (no more, no less), write a story using the phrase, “I’d rather be…” You fill in what comes next. What would a character(s) rather be doing and why?

I am


I am what I am
I make no excuses
Nor do I make changes
Yet there are days
when I feel like a non-entity
Grey, faded, invisible
to the world outside
These are my duvet days
When I wonder, 
Can I give my mind a do over?
Introduce new thoughts
Not so easy, 
the old grey matter is stubborn
It runs on automatic
pre-determined thoughts
Habits, like chewing your nails
Hard to break
These days, I imagine
So many kinds of me
None seem to fit
In the end
I would rather be…
Right where I am…

©AnitaDawes2022

Bending instead of breaking? Part One

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Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

So many times lately, I have been approaching my desk grudgingly, forcing a degree of false enthusiasm that will hopefully carry me through the day.

The idea, of course, is that faking it will encourage the real thing, just as it has done so many times before. As I say, this usually works, but not this time. I feel worn out, mentally and physically exhausted, desperate to find something to get excited about.

The weather yesterday was foul, Storm Eunice was gradually building up a head of steam, and I was watching the big old tree in my garden begin to thrash about in the strengthening winds. With each violent gust, I was amazed by how far the branches could bend, then simply float back again in the lull, seemingly undamaged.

These images stayed with me for the rest of the day, to be joined by more scenes of destruction as I watched the progress of the storm on TV. I still hadn’t found the will to work, so closed the PC and left my desk, determined to do better tomorrow.

It was still windy this morning. The branches of the old tree were still moving about, although less violently than yesterday. Somehow, this triggered an avalanche of thoughts. I have always been the strong one in the family, managing to cope and handle whatever life has thrown at us. (and some of it still makes me cringe)

Up until recently, I always imagined I was invincible, that nothing could bring me to my knees, but secretly, this isn’t true anymore. My knees, back and brain are bending, possibly breaking and I need to find a way to cope with this change of circumstance.  I need to find a way to carry on and be happy while managing to keep everything else happy too.

I can see that tree from my desk, and it seems to be watching me too. It occurs to me that it does not choose to bend. Clever old Nature has designed it that way.

How has nature designed me, or is it a bit late to be asking?

To be continued