exploring

Obsession… #Poetry

/ jenanita01 / Leave a comment

 

This weeks inspiration comes from Lord of the Rings and this image…

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This is one of my favourite pictures of Gollum. Painted by P E Pracownick

 

 

Obsession

Dark, dank wet cave is no place to call home

Yet for one small creature it has become so

His passion having driven him underground

After taking the life of a friend for a ring of gold

His world turned upside down

Over time his skin grew pale, translucent

His body shrank, his eyes bulged

Strange maladies, a madness ruled his world

His inly thought, his ring of gold. His love

Ever vigilant of losing what he stole, his madness grew

The fearful day came when his ring could not be found

What heart was left, broke anew, his mind split further in two

He spoke as if a twin stood close

“They pesky hobbits have it, we will find it soon, my precious.”

The hunt was long, fraught with danger

A glint of gold ever in his mind, he found the culprit

His shock was great, for he could see the pesky hobbit

Meant to destroy the ring of gold

He is here to take back as his own and watched as the Hobbit’s hand

stretched over the evil flame from whence it came.

The creature’s pain, too much to bear

He ran as sound escaped his lips

Heavy with pain enough to split the world apart

The ring flew in the air, one tiny pale hand snatched in time

To hold again his love now joined in flame

He was no more

The hobbits eyes filled with tears, for once this forlorn creature

Lived in Shire’s green and pleasant land

Before obsession stole his soul away…

AAAAA

Perchance… #Poetry

/ jenanita01 / 2 Comments

 

 

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Image by Pixabay.com

 

 

I dream of a smoke-filled room

With deep red leather chairs

An old boys meeting place

Where all my favourite poets and storytellers

sit with their philosopher friends

Pen poised, ready to change the world

With their great imaginings

Magic to soothe the mind

Help your own thoughts to expand

Lewis Carroll speaks of a young girl

fallen down a rabbit hole

My ears tingle with anticipation

H G Wells speaks of the time machine he has in mind

Reading from his notes I want to interrupt him

Beg him to please take me with you

Today they have a foreign visitor

by the name of Mark Twain

He speaks of a strange land

and people of a different kind

Of a boy, Tom Sawyer, made to paint

 a picket fence with white paint

Getting into all kinds of trouble

Helping a slave to escape when no one else would

His heart as big as the Mississippi

I would have helped with that expedition

A run for freedom that belonged to his all along

Morning wakes my still tired eyes

I look to my notepad by my bedside

Wishing I could write as well as my favourite authors

My mind still held in half dream

On my notepad I read two words, You can …

Written by a hand that was not my own…

AAAAA

#Jaye’s Journal ~ Week 24 (a bit late)

/ jenanita01 / 6 Comments

Jaye's Journal x12

 

The letter from the hospital arrived yesterday and the first of my cataracts will be removed next week and I have a pre op appointment tomorrow to check me out. I wonder what happened to the ten weeks wait I was told to expect.

We left early to get to the hospital for we can never judge what the car parking will be like and arrived far too early. The hospital was busy, but we managed to find out where we were supposed to be. The Eye department is one of the oldest parts of the hospital and didn’t have any of the iced water machines that I like so much, and my mouth was as dry as a bone.

By the time we sat down in the waiting room, there was still half an hour to wait, so was very surprised when my name was called. A kind and pleasant male nurse welcomed me, proceeded to check me over and then explained what would be happening to me. Though I was a little perturbed when he said I wouldn’t feel a thing, and then calmly said that a nurse would be holding my hand, so I could squeeze it if I felt anything. Not very reassuring!

I appreciated this more than you know, for the last time I was there, I was subjected to a pompous, short tempered consultant who clearly thought I was wasting his time. My treatment today was very different.

I just know that the next six days are going to be awful…

###

There was me thinking I would have plenty of time to finish the WIP and make a few inroads into the marketing, but this unexpected news has literally knocked me for six. Mainly, I hope, because I wasn’t expecting it. Not that I am worried about them slicing bits of my eyes. Well, maybe just a little…

The thought of all this disruption is having a weird effect on me. Instead of getting a move on and pressing the panic button, I seem to be doing the opposite and moving around as though up to my neck in treacle. Almost everything is far too much trouble and I cannot be asked to do anything.

It is affecting the weather too, and it hasn’t stopped raining for days. Absolutely no chance of doing any gardening either then.

Thinking is becoming more difficult too, is it because I am facing the Unknown?

Two days of inertia later, I have managed to scrape together some enthusiasm. Guilt will always work, don’t you find?

After making such good progress last week with the new PC and Word, several peculiar wrinkles decide to make an appearance, completely undermining my confidence again. Needless to say, I didn’t need this.

I have been struggling to do so many things, things I had no trouble doing before.  I have the feeling I am out of my depth with technology, a feeling I haven’t had since the early days.

What do you do when you have misplaced your enthusiasm?

I know that when you get to my age, you begin to run out of things, like patience, common sense, memory and a simple thing like joy. Then there are the knees that no longer want to work anymore and a back that starts to ache even before you get up in the morning.

Add to that several weeks months of only having one usable eye and the next part of my life is going to be interesting.

Just don’t call me Cyclops!

Anita has just said something that made me smile. She said ‘Don’t forget, in the Kingdom of the blind, the one eyed is King…’

AAA (2)

 

Time to Think Again!

/ jenanita01 / 18 Comments

 

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A new week starts, a time when my enthusiasm usually renews itself, but there is a noticeable lack of ‘get up and go’. It was more like, ‘get your arse moving and see what you can muddle through this week!’

Last month’s USB failure, resulting in the loss of three weeks work, has left a sour taste in my soul, leading me to wonder if I should even be doing any of this promotional stuff. I have ended up juggling so many balls; I am in danger of losing sight of the original dream, consumed as I am with the need to find that one magic ingredient that will make it all worthwhile.

It is always possible that I am not destined for greatness, and I am happy to realise that. Relieved, actually, but that will not stop me from trying my best, and improving my work. (At the time of writing, I plan to re-edit my books and update the covers, blurbs and keywords. I have been having a long hard look and not entirely happy with what I see!)

Little by little, I think I am beginning to lose my edge, the ability to juggle everything and still keep my balance. I seem to recall that this has happened to me before, a long time ago. I was in a relationship, and as long as I obeyed the rules and performed as instructed, I was grudgingly allowed to breathe.

Of course, the day eventually came when I needed more than that when I was tired of the constant struggle to be the person that was required. This wasn’t the first time I escaped from tyranny and it wouldn’t be my last, but eventually, I found a better way to live.

My present struggle is beginning to feel the same, and the need to escape is growing again. This presents a problem, for I don’t want to run away from most of it. I have to find a compromise, a way to keep our options open and the dream alive. I have to stop trying everything and anything, looking for the golden goose, who, for all I know, gave up laying eggs a long time ago…

A Slip in Time… #Poetry

/ jenanita01 / Leave a comment

 

 

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Image by Pixabay.com

 

 

I find myself lost in a wonderland and time

Wrapped in old magic, a kiss to the mind

To be lost in such a world is like being reborn

My heart knew this world to be free of darkness

Washed with strange things, the eyes seek to find more

Every fruit you have ever eaten, grown on one large tree

Rivers run with ever changing rainbow colours

Feathered friends whistle by, their metallic colours flashing

Flowers bow their heads in morning greeting

Rain falls around you, watering the ground

Nurturing this strange place

I see a house beyond the woods with diamond glow

Dare I knock, find who lives here?

My heart beats so hard,

I thought the occupant heard my approach

The golden feathered knocker lifted, banged down once

Before I could reach my hand to it

For a moment I believed the door opened by itself

For I saw only a bright light

I closed my eyes in silent prayer

Please let there be a friend standing there

On opening my eyes, my mouth flew wide

Her hair of gold like a summer corn field

Grew to her waist, her eyes a mixture of blue and green

Her smile welcoming, her beauty would wear no words

I seem to be lost, I said in a voice I hardly recognized

“You are exactly where you need to be.

Welcome, you are in time for tea.”

Would food be as I remembered?

I stepped inside and it feels like home…

AAAAA

11111

#Writephoto ~ Choices #Poetry

/ jenanita01 / 11 Comments

Thursday photo prompt: Choices #writephoto

 

 

So small do I stand of soft grey waves

The gentle whisper of many voices as it reaches the shore

Choices I made washed out to sea

On my walk through to town I see

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A strange gargoyle, face hidden by fingers of stone

Small brood of ladybirds paint empty eye sockets red

A gift of life to see through rose-coloured hues

I move to walk away, is that a smile I see?

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To grey forest I walk to find one large ring doughnut tree

A small opening where I can see

Far more than lies beyond its shape

Tiny creatures dance with lanterns lit

Bird song joins in peals of laughter

I walk away as if from Celtic dream

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Old snapshot found when I reach home

Blue sea mountains, lush green valleys

Pastures new, where I might roam…

AAAAA

11111

Words We Carry by D G Kaye For: Streets Ahead Book Promotion Club

/ jenanita01 / 18 Comments

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“I have been a great critic of myself for most of my life, and I was darned good at it, deflating my own ego without the help of anyone else.”

What do our shopping habits, high-heeled shoes, and big hair have to do with how we perceive ourselves? Do the slights we endured when we were young affect how we choose our relationships now?
D.G. takes us on a journey, unlocking the hurts of the past by identifying situations that hindered her own self-esteem. Her anecdotes and confessions demonstrate how the hurtful events in our lives linger and set the tone for how we value our own self-worth.
Words We Carry is a raw, personal accounting of how the author overcame the demons of low self-esteem with the determination to learn to love herself.

About the Author

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D.G. Kaye is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues. At a young age, D.G. began keeping journals to take notes about her turbulent childhood while growing up as an emotionally neglected child. Tormented with guilt, as she grew older, D.G. was conflicted with the question of whether or not she was to remain obligated to being a faithful daughter, in debt to her narcissistic mother for giving birth to her. Her first book, Conflicted Hearts is a memoir, written about her journey to seek solace from living with guilt. D.G.’s writing relates to her experiences in life, and shares her lessons and ideas she acquired along the way. Kaye’s second book, Meno-What? A Memoir, was written based on her passage through menopause. In that book, she shares her humor and wisdom on what women can expect at that time, adding some of her helpful hints for relief. D.G.’s newest book, Words We Carry focuses around women’s self-esteem issues. She talks about how and why the issues evolve, how she recognized her own, and how she overcame her insecurities. Kaye writes for the woman of all ages. Her writing is easily relatable and her insights about the complexities of being a woman are expressed in her writing. Quotes: “Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!” “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

 

S. G. Cronin
5.0 out of 5 stars  Hurtful words thrown at us as children can linger for a lifetime.

This book was gifted me by the author without expectation of review or recompense. The views are my own.

Words We Carry is packed with the accumulated knowledge, wisdom, survival tips and strategies from someone who went through difficult and unhappy childhood and teen years.

I think it is fair to say that most of us are less than confident about our body shape, and that is particularly tough when you can no longer use the excuse of puppy fat, and your friends are heading out in slinky black dresses and high-heeled shoes.

Unfortunately, not all mothers are born with the nurturing gene and as soon as you become competition, there is an opportunity to reinforce your lack of self-esteem with carefully chosen and cutting words. I would like to think that the experiences that D.G. Kaye describes were rare, but I am afraid that after counselling women on their health and weight for twenty years, the story is very familiar.

Those harmful words from those who are supposed to love us, are the ones we carry throughout our lifetime, unless we can find a way to dilute their power and replace them with affirmations of a much more positive nature.

D.G. Kaye describes her strategies to claim her own identity, build her self-esteem and evolve from the ugly duckling that she had been made to feel she was, into a swan. This involved a makeover in a number of departments, including wearing high heels at all times and over every terrain, and standing out from the crowd with her now signature titian hair colour. She also developed a healthy, outgoing personality and independence that led her to discover groups of people who accepted and embraced her as a friend.

In the second section of the book Kaye looks at the impact this early negative conditioning had on her relationships, including romances with older men whose different approach to dating and expectations provided a more secure environment. Unfortunately, having entered one serious and long-term relationship, echoes of the verbal abuse that she received as a child and teenager, threatened to undo all the hard work that she had accomplished. Thankfully she went on to find happiness and empowerment with someone who appreciates all that she has become.

Kaye looks at issues such as the difference between Alone vs. Lonely, Negativity and Self-Worth, Forming Healthier Relationships, and importantly Exposing our Personality Through the Internet. All the chapters provide commonsense strategies to overcome a lack of self-confidence, and I do think that women and men in their 50s and 60s, will definitely be able to draw parallels to Kaye’s own experiences.

Whilst I recommend this memoir/self-help book to men and women of my age, I also think that it should be read by all mothers whose daughters are heading into their teens and beyond. It might just remind them of how fragile their child is when about to face the outside world, and that there are enough external challenges to be overcome, without encountering them in the place they should feel safe.

It is also a book for young women who are struggling with weight issues and those who feel that they are not as attractive as their friends, or who feel that they are somehow going through something never experienced before.

There is no reason to reinvent the wheel. By reading this they might take strength in knowing that this is an age oldproblem, and that they can change the narrative and write their own story.

https://read.amazon.co.uk/kp/embed?asin=B00OQJGE42&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_po79CbJHES6VX

 

My First Moment of Madness…

/ jenanita01

Doing my best to install my new computer with the least amount of hair pulling, I found myself remembering the first time I challenged my brain cells. The post that follows, is five years old and signifies how far I have come since then…

I did something stupid today. In fact it began a few weeks ago, when the tiny germ of an idea slipped into my mind and wouldn’t go away.
It was something someone said about how they wrote and blogged from the comfort of their bed. Often too ill or uncomfortable to get up, but still wanting to do what they love most, which is writing. I have this mental picture of this person, snug and comfy in her pyjamas, ensconced in bed with her trusty laptop, and the idea just took root in my head and began to grow.
Not that I want to write in bed, but with my ever increasing workload, I have to make even more time available to me. Who knew the writing and self publishing world would create this much work, I certainly didn’t in the beginning.

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For a long time now I seem to spend most of my evenings with puzzles and Sudoku while the family watch television. I love most of the programmes and it is good to relax at the end of the day, but find it increasingly hard to see them properly as my distance glasses make me so very giddy and ill I cannot wear them. Consequently I find myself just listening and limit my eyesight to things I can do on my lap as my reading glasses are fine.
I have discovered that I cannot read while the television is on, but can manage other things, like writing notes. You can see where I am going with this, can’t you?
The thought of having a laptop has interested me ever since the family members bought theirs, but always dismissed the idea as pretty stupid as I am basically a technophobe. You know, someone who hates technology with a passion, usually because we are hopelessly unable to grasp the basics, let alone all the clever stuff.
I have struggled to learn how to use a computer, my mind obviously not properly equipped with the necessary bits to understand or implement the information that I do eventually manage to discover.
This is where it has paid dividends to be one of the most stubborn people on the planet. Something I am more than proud of, as because of this, I have achieved much more than I think I would otherwise have done.
Computers are brilliant but confusing, time saving but frustrating, and I am more than sure they lead to insanity, at least in my case.
But… I have mastered my computer, how hard could a laptop be?

I saw one I like the look of, a combined laptop with a tablet which made it very versatile. Just what I needed to make better use of my evenings.
It arrived yesterday. As I unpacked it, the shiny red alien exterior gleamed in front of me. I looked at it and thought, ‘Now what do I do?’
The instructions were sketchy to put it mildly, apparently all the information is on the machine and you learn as you go. (That’s if you get as far as switching it on) I was instantly terrified. What on earth had I done?
I ignored it for over an hour and went about my business, but found myself sneaking looks and wondering if I could possibly…
To cut a long story short, I did finally pluck up the courage to turn it on, and for several hours I blundered about, pressing this and swiping that, until I had a rough idea of what to do. What made it worse for me I think was that it came with Windows 8, where I am used to Windows 7, but having said that, it is a marvellous piece of equipment and I should be able to accomplish a load more work with it.
Once I have ironed out all the wrinkles, both its and mine of course!

See you soon,

Jaye

Jaye’s Journal – Week 22

/ jenanita01 / 4 Comments

Jaye's Journal x12

 

After much searching, comparing and pulling my hair out, I finally found a PC that has everything I wanted at a price I could almost afford. I have this problem with shopping online, as I never seem to end up liking what I buy. Never been any good choosing anything and always get it wrong.

It arrived yesterday, and my old friend nagging doubt turned up with it.

Much smaller than I thought it would be, although I believe this is the new trend, and still managed to look pretty scary. Immediately, I found a possible problem. The activation label clearly said Windows 7, even though I thought I ordered Windows 10.

So, I might have done it again and chosen the wrong one.

Because of the Bank Holiday, I had to wait until Tuesday to telephone the company, for there was no way I would start switching over until they reassure me.

Switching over PCs is not something I enjoy or am any good at, as my tech skills are dismal at best, so at this stage I was still asking myself why I had actually volunteered to do this.

One of the reviews stated enthusiastically that all I had to do is take it out of the box, plug in all the cables and then switch it on.

That I just cannot believe.

The way things are going though, I may never get that far to find out.

 

While I waited, it was business as usual on my old less than faithful pc, despite the frequent crashing, freezing and crazy spelling games it plays. But it gave me a nasty moment this morning.

I switched it on, and instead of my pretty screensaver, the screen was plain blue. There was no icons and no wifi. I feared the worst. Had it beaten me to the punch?

That would be ironic, wouldn’t it?

A brand new PC that I don’t want to install and my old one commits Hara Kiri on me!

After a reboot, everything was fine again, at least for the moment…

Moving swiftly on to the designated torture day…

I had been dreading this day for so long, and was one of the reasons I delayed doing anything about it. I heard so many bad reports about Windows 10, and was more than happy with my old faithful Windows 7, but as they say, all good things have to come to an end.

The new computer came with it already installed, so I had no choice but to hunt for my thinking cap, put it on and see what, if anything I could do with it. There was quite a long wait for the new pc to load or whatever it had to do. They said it would take time, but wasn’t expecting three hours of thumb twiddling!

What followed was one of the worst moments of my life. I stared at the alien screen, trying not to feel as sick as a parrot by the sheer enormity of what I had done. (and still had to do!) And what was rapidly turning into what I might not be able to do.

I retired wounded for the day, not having mastered any of it.

I have a book, aptly called Windows 10 for Seniors, so I spent the evening going further into the depths of insanity, reading anything that sounded helpful. But in reality, none of made any sense to me.

The following day, inspired by my refusal to quit, I switched the offending machine back on and played around, pressing everything in sight and seeing what happened. I found help screens that weren’t very, then tried to connect using my Microsoft account password.

You don’t want to know how long that took.

One day on, and I have surprised myself. Things are magically beginning to work!

There have been a pile of things I had to fix, one of them involved the speakers, which for some reason didn’t want to work. The sound, when I found  out how to turn it on, came out of the tower thingy and sounded as though there was an idiot trapped in there.

Basically, and this really hurts to admit, I think I like my new computer and can foresee a bright future. A very poor future, for along with the cost of the thing, I had to cough up for a brand new Microsoft Word too…

Off to start uploading thousands of my images and files, so not going anywhere this weekend.

I hope everyone else has a good one though…

AAA (2)

11111

 

 

 

 

 

One Beautiful Moment…

/ jenanita01 / 9 Comments

This has been a very odd week, full of vastly differing experiences. For a start, I haven’t been feeling great, and that fact alone seems to affect my workload.

But… and this was a big one for me… I have been thinking of making another beaded bonsai tree. I need to find some much-needed peace, away from machines, noise and worrying about everything. And although I never seem to have enough time as it is, I know this is something I have to do, if only for a while.

 

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I first got interested in making these trees when I came across a lady in Covent Garden market who made similar trees, using tiny seashells instead of beads. All of her trees were beautiful and have remained my constant inspiration ever since. I especially like the notion that they cannot die from lack of attention or daylight. They don’t lose their leaves in the winter, and they always look just right! That’s an awful lot going for them, right there!

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“This is the one I want to make”  image from Pinterest

When the weather finally decided to behave,  I took a walk to our local pond (it’s a huge lake really, no idea why they call it a pond!)
It’s a beautiful place, and I usually find bucket loads of peace and quiet, and sometimes inspiration. But I wasn’t feeling great, so I just sat and watched the ducks.

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As I sat there, I remembered watching a pair of swans last year. They built this huge nest and seemed to be sitting on it forever. But someone reported seeing newly hatched cygnets, so I had waited for them to appear. Just when it seemed they would not, I saw a flash of white among the reeds. Then another, and then they sailed into view. For the life of me, I couldn’t count them, couldn’t even see them properly as they were very small and the same grey colour as the water they were swimming on.
Slowly they came closer, and I couldn’t believe my luck. I tried to count the cygnets again, there seemed to be six or seven. Round about then I started cursing that I had not had the foresight to bring my camera. I usually did, but as I said, I wasn’t feeling up to much, so hadn’t bothered.
Just as I sat there, contemplating what an idiot I was, the male swan suddenly lumbered out of the water, and I froze. I knew how protective and dangerous swans could be, and I was barely three feet from him and his beautiful family!
Luckily, he ignored me. When his mate lumbered on to dry land, followed with some difficulty by all seven of the cygnets, I could hardly breathe. They pottered about for several minutes, inspecting blades of grass and then all the babies sat down. They looked a bit tired, very small and so close I could have touched them.

All too soon they left me sitting there with tears in my eyes.
It was the most magical moment, and to say that I needed one right then would be an understatement.

I will be eternally grateful, but will always remember my camera next time!