frustration

One Step Forward…

/ Words on Paper / 9 Comments
Image by Raka Saputra from Pixabay

I seem to be taking one step forward and two back…

The recent productivity is having a knock-on effect on everything, and although I welcome this, I am having trouble understanding why I end up with so many more plans than those I started with. Usually, having nothing to do with what I am doing at the time.

Finishing one job lands me among all those ghosts of other projects I either made a mess of, or completely forgot about.

My mind does try, bless it, to think along dual idea lines, and I have had serious talks with the muse to stop cramming my head with so many ideas, to at least wait until I finish one!

Eventually, of course, my enthusiasm fades, leaving me to struggle on, stubborn to the last. I could do without the never-ending tooth and earache, as they seem to have addled quite a few of my struggling grey cells!

I mean, how long does it take an extraction to heal?

I was going to ring the doctor today, but somehow I can’t make myself pick up the phone, mainly because I know she will fob me off with the same pills as last time, and also because I’m not sure if the toothache is making the ear problem worse, or the other way around.

I have the sneaky feeling that once you approach 80, they start to edge you towards the compost heap, as there has been a noticeable lack of enthusiasm whenever I mention one of my many long-standing problems.

This state of affairs leaves me unwilling to bother, preferring to wait and see what happens while continuing with salt rinses and painkillers. I am also experimenting with CBD drops as they are supposed to help with arthritis and the accompanying depression of everything else.

So far, I am managing to write and run the office…

The Universe… #Poetry

/ Words on Paper / 5 Comments
Image by Thomas B. from Pixabay

The Universe

The universe is like crazy paving
You cannot avoid the cracks
With each step, it changes
Like a constant gardener
Living in a compost heap of Earth’s wine
Plucking weeds, planting bulbs
where they’re not wanted
Changing borders, straightening edges
Turning my life into a jigsaw puzzle
Pieces missing, others put in place
where they don’t fit, causing chaos
Surely they could have chosen a better plan
on the day I was born?

©AnitaDawes2022

Sweet Water… #Poetry

/ Words on Paper / 6 Comments
Image by Sergei Tokmakov Terms.Law from Pixabay

Sweet Water

On knees of broken glass
I crawl towards the sea
My home, my family lie beneath the waves
The pain of having legs drives me on
I reach the sweet water, my life
Letting myself sink into darkness
The pain gone, my tail restored
I find my kingdom as I left it
Father, cross at my foolishness
Will the memory of pain
Stop me returning to the land?
He will try to call me back
I will feel a different kind of pain
The loss of his love
I am water, he is land
We cannot be...

©AnitaDawes2022

I cannot Live… #Poetry

/ Words on Paper / 4 Comments
Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay
I cannot live…


I tell myself I cannot fall in love with you
You belong to another
Yet the clocks stop when I say your name
The wind ceases to moan
You are the light of my life, my moon at night
I tell myself I cannot fall in love with you
You belong to another
When I think of you I forget to breathe
My future does not exist
My heart screams to be with you
In order to live, I must steal you from another
So be it
I cannot live a half-life in darkness…

©AnitaDawes2022

What a Difference a Week Makes…

/ Words on Paper / 10 Comments
Image by Dean Moriarty from Pixabay

What a difference a week makes…

Last week was full to the brim with enthusiasm, goodwill and progress of a kind not experienced in a while.

This week should have been more of the same, at least if I had anything to do with it, seeing how it was my birthday on Monday.

A glorious day, with all the family, masses of flowers and so much happiness and laughter, finishing with a Chinese feast!

Yesterday, I couldn’t get going. You would think all that good cheer would have followed me, wouldn’t you? But apparently not. I tried to go through the motions, fake it until you make it and all that, but it wasn’t happening.

I decided to clean the windows.

I am a bit weird like that. Stop me from doing what I want to do, and I am just as likely to do something completely different. Usually, something that will always welcome my attention. I don’t normally volunteer for housework, being my least favourite occupation. Things get done, eventually, with a minimum of enthusiasm.

Then the TV started playing up, refusing to allow the simplest of directions. Anita watches a lot of TV these days and needs an efficient service. Two reboots later with no noticeable improvement, it was clear something had to be done.

I picked up the phone and rang Sky.

What happened next you couldn’t make up. Our living room turned into one of those comedy sketches as we tried to follow the instructions relayed to us over the phone. These involved the landline and my mobile phone/camera. Sky needed to see what we were complaining about, what the TV wasn’t doing. I know, it sounds crazy.

At one point, I had a phone in each hand, trying to remember which one I was talking to, and which was taking the pictures. When I was asked to work the tv remote too, Anita had to step in as I had run out of hands (and a lot of my patience)

What happened next was hilarious, and I must congratulate the poor woman at the end of the line. Listening to the pair of us trying and failing most of the time, to follow her barely understood instructions, or keep the camera steady or pointing at the TV, she must have wished to be somewhere else. I couldn’t hear her laughing, but we were!

Then, I was instructed to run into the office to photograph the broadband hub. Why I couldn’t have simply pressed what I thought was the right button is anyone’s guess. For nearly an hour, we were running around like demented idiots, but what we managed to do, among all the false starts and mistaken responses, somehow worked. Huge sighs of relief all around, I couldn’t wait to put the phone (and everything else) down.

As the woman got ready to sign off, she casually mentioned that we were eligible for a FREE upgrade on our subscription as our equipment was way past its sell by date.

I listened carefully, naturally suspicious, expecting there to be a trick somewhere, but it seemed genuine. You never know when Fate decides to be kind, and God knows it doesn’t happen often, maybe this week won’t be a total waste after all…

Off to rescue the rest of the week!

Jaye

Jaye’s Weekly Thoughts…

/ Words on Paper / 18 Comments

or What the Hell do the Fates have in store this week?

When this week began, I was determined to do something, anything to make me feel as though I was still on the right page. Any page, mind you, so I left it up to fate to point me in the right direction.

This was before I realised I had a dental appointment. It has been cancelled so many times, I was beginning to think it would never happen, despite having had toothache for months. Not a terrific way to start the week, I thought, secretly hoping they would cancel again as I walked through town.

It was too nice a day for pain and/or discomfort, something that usually happens the minute I sit in the chair, and I wasn’t expecting anything less, as the plan was to remove an incredibly old crown and investigate the reason for the toothache.

I knew this would include the dreaded needle that always made my eyes water. Unavoidable, but after being stabbed like a pin cushion, I didn’t care what they got up to, as I wouldn’t feel a thing!

Turns out, the infection was extensive, YUCKY according to the dentist, so today’s visit was a good thing. Could this have been the reason for my dizziness and earache? Time will tell, but I really hope it was.

Back at home with a temporary cap on the now pristine stump, I tried to decide what I wanted to do with the rest of the week. The WIP, or overdue promotion? I had a list, of course, but reading it didn’t help at all.

What I need is a visit from the muse, someone or something to choose something and insist I do it. I still feel determined, even though my guidance system seems to be out to lunch, despite my good intentions.

I will sign off now and continue to hope for the best. I will let you know what happens, if anything, next week…

Jaye

Jaye’s Week, such as it is…

/ Words on Paper / 19 Comments

Jaye’s Week, such as it is…

My brain is so unfair.

It knows I am having trouble, but it wants to get cracking anyway. Keeps coming up with interesting and brilliant writing and promotion ideas that simply vanish before I have the time to get my thinking cap on.

Only five minutes ago, for example, it came up with a cracker. I told myself (and my brain) that I would check it out in a minute. But before I could finish reading the last email on my list, it had left the premises, gone for a walk. Vanished completely. This is what I put up with daily, it’s a wonder I manage to do anything these days…

not sure what these are called, but I love them!

Spending more time away from the computer does have its advantages, however. The recent lovely weather and the arrival of signs of Spring have sent me out of doors. I have discovered that gardening does not give me trouble at all, arthritic knees notwithstanding (or bending for that matter) and I am loving every minute!

Today I will be organising seed sowing. Tomatoes and dahlias. Next week I intend to finish repotting the bonsai that I didn’t get around to last autumn.

I must go now, for the words on my screen are swimming away from me.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I will see you again on Monday…

Jaye XXX

I Must Make a Decision…

/ Words on Paper / 33 Comments
Image by Esi Grünhagen from Pixabay

I must make a decision.

One I have been putting off for a while now. Unfortunately, I must cut back on the work I do, the reading, writing and blogging, due to severe dizziness and nausea.

It breaks my heart, for I love what I do, every single minute of it.

I had enough trouble years back when cataracts nearly scuppered me, but being a trooper, I found other ways to do things.

Now, I have a new and most unwelcome visitor. Something my doctor thinks is Meniere’s Disease. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?

I have been having what I call my dizzy days for years, days when I must give in and switch off the PC. Luckily, these only lasted a day back then. Then it gradually changed to two days, then more, becoming a big problem.

Then the earache began, and the dizziness became worse. I couldn’t work, couldn’t go out in the car due to travel sickness. At my age, I ask you!

Of course, this situation is ongoing. I have new pills that don’t seem to do anything and have yet to be referred to the ENT department at our local hospital.

In the meantime, I am reducing my computer time, as this seems to be the worst culprit. Looking on the bright side, I might get more writing done, away from the glare of that hypnotic screen!

I am determined not to vanish completely, as that will not do at all. I just wanted to let you know that things may look a bit different around here for a while…

Jaye