I have never liked waiting, so faced with yet another wait, I am more confused than ever.
Half of me would love to have a good think, to sort out the muddle in my head. And to be honest, I have tried to think it out.
But whatever is going on inside my head, it is just not conducive to any constructive thought.
So, I gave up trying to think. It has been peaceful, and I have tried to ignore the little nag that was quietly growing.
Then, I received a copy of the consultant’s report, and reading it has blown any chance of helpful thoughts out of the window.
He carefully listed all the problems in my head, and they seemed horrendous when seen in black and white. Then, right at the bottom, he adds that due to my age and frailty, he wouldn’t recommend surgery. This is obviously despite the possibility that what was going on in my head was keeping me weak and fragile, and ruining any chance of me being fit and strong for the other aneurysms.
He did mention his meeting with the other consultant, the one I saw about the aneurysms in my abdomen, and I can only imagine that they had discussed all the possibilities.
To be honest, my first thoughts were negative, ranging from playing with the traffic to a nice quiet overdose. Of course, these were fleeting thoughts, I am much too stubborn for any of that.
And I will skim over the next load of thoughts, suffice to say that I dropped down the depression tube rather fast.
This didn’t last long either, and I seem to be in limbo at the moment. I have wondered about my appointment next week.
Should I cancel it, admit defeat, and finally give in?
Not on your nelly. I have a multitude of questions, not that I am hoping for a miracle, but a small one would be nice…
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