Jaye’s Days… Circling the Drain?

The hospital appointment for my heart stress test arrived yesterday, for March 2nd.

At first, I was confused as I wasn’t expecting one so soon. It wasn’t long before signs of panic turned up too. Would they find something but deem me too old for surgery? Or suggest that it could all be in my head? This is a popular choice, BTW. Or would they decide to carve me up to give me more old age years?

My Angina has been getting slowly worse, and I cannot do much. Stubborn doesn’t worry about that, though, and I am doing the important stuff, even if it takes me a while to get my breath back. There’s not much to choose between Anita health-wise and me, as she is sleeping much more these days. I often wonder who will go first.

I try not to think about dying, probably in case I put the idea into the ether. Commonly called pushing my luck. I think we are supposed to be scared of dying, but I haven’t been scared of much in my life. There have been a few things that should have given me pause, but I never worry about dying, despite coming close a few times.

In the past, when life became unbearable, I often wished I could simply fall asleep and never wake up again. This never happened, of course.  This taught me to find solutions and find them fast, not to prolong the agony.

Of course, there have been one or two monumentally bad and sad times when I couldn’t wriggle out of a situation or avoid the problem. I wanted a magical spell to banish all the suffering and misery.

Times that I would love to change or make amends for, even now.

Times that could possibly be considered bad enough to send me to that other place when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil.

That, hopefully, won’t be for a while yet…

The Unexplained… #acrostic poetry

Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay 

The Unexplained

Under lock and key
Nothing stays hidden.
Every mind needs to explore.
X marks the spot
Placing one foot in front of the other
Looking for the end of the rainbow
After thinking for a while
Instinct kicks in, the race is on
Notes taken, never looking back.
Every thought a treasure disappearing.
Down the rabbit hole where X marks the spot…


Anita must have been rummaging around in my brain when she wrote this poem. Sisters can do that sometimes, although never a good idea, in my opinion. My head is full of so many ideas and things that should have been done weeks ago that I cannot think straight any more. I think a lot, worry even more and have every good intention in the book, but nothing is forthcoming!

I tell myself to ignore everything else and just pick one thing and actually finish it. But then I need to make lunch, feed the cat or fix something…

I need to lock myself off in a quiet room and sort out an agenda. One that might actually work!

Jaye XX

Friday Flowers…

Image by JL G from Pixabay 

I have been trying to write a post, but today has been determined to ruin every chance I get.

I am here in thought at least… guess I will see you all tomorrow…

Appearances can be Deceiving….

When Milo was first carried into our world late one night just before Christmas, a tiny helpless kitten with the cutest smile and affectionate ways, we honestly thought he might bring a certain calmness to our lives. Something that has been missing since Merlin the magnificent passed away last summer.

I have to report that this has not been the case, not yet, anyway.

Milo is the naughtiest and fastest cat on the planet. He whizzes around the house, looking for trouble like a ninja turtle on speed. He constantly finds new ways to drive us mad, like shredding any paper or tissue he finds. He doesn’t like where we keep anything and rearranges everything. He pushes things off tables and worktops and hates the window blinds in the living room with a passion. One of these days, I expect to find them on the floor, along with all the other debris!

He is desperate to go outside and explore, but it will be a few weeks before that can happen. Besides, is our neighbourhood ready for him?

He intends to eat us out of hearth and home and finds any fingers fascinating and worth trying to catch with his claws, usually when you least expect it. But… like all young things, Milo is an angel when asleep. It’s a shame he is hell on wheels the rest of the time…

Not One of my Better Days…

We waited nearly an hour in the waiting room before it was my turn to see a member of the cardiology team. I was a nervous wreck then, but I tried to answer his questions sensibly without rambling on.

After running a stethoscope over my chest and checking my swollen feet, he turned to the computer and brought up the images from the angiogram I had back in August. He studied these images for several minutes, allowing me to see them myself.

It was weird watching my blood travelling through the arteries. I saw the stent that had saved my life all those years ago.

The verdict was coming, but I didn’t want to hear it as I knew the next step would probably be a bypass, involving opening my ribs to get to the heart of the problem. Sorry about that; I couldn’t help it!

I didn’t fancy that much, even though, if successful, I would be back to normal and be okay. But I wasn’t prepared for what he did say.

My heart, apparently, was quite happy, as some of the other arteries had rallied around and taken over the job of the blocked one, supplying my ticker with the blood it needed. This is something that usually happens on the right side of the heart. He did add that this, although handy, was not ideal as they would prefer to fix the problem properly…

I took a deep breath and waited for him to continue.

… only not someone of my advancing years. But…

He looked puzzled when he said that, and there always has to be a but, doesn’t there?

My symptoms of severe fatigue and breathlessness, in his opinion, didn’t fit with my heart’s current state and could mean that something else was going on. He added that he would arrange for me to have a stress test, where they put my heart through hoops to see its reaction.

He seemed happy with his decision, but I wasn’t quite finished yet.

I had to ask the million-dollar question.

“If you do find anything, what will that mean?”

“Then we would be forced to operate…”

I hope I don’t have to wait four months for this appointment!

Listening to music has helped me to cope with all of this, so I wanted to share one of my favourites with you all…

WIP Wednesday…

I did wonder how long my calm exterior would last, but I did hope it would stay a little longer, at least until Friday morning and my cardio appointment. I have no idea what they will decide to do about the blockage in my artery; I just hope it’s something simple. All though I have a sneaky feeling it won’t be.

When I woke up this morning, I knew my patience had gone the way of all good things. I wasn’t exactly chewing my nails, but I wanted to.

We all have our own problems, so revealing my shredded emotions was not the way to go, so I had to find a way to keep busy and out of trouble.

I spent the best part of yesterday checking all the links on our website and finding several that were broken. I also found that all of our book images that occupied the right-hand toolbar had no links. I was puzzled, as I knew I had done this at the time.

This problem segued into another, as I discovered that Booklinker, the very useful company supplying writers everywhere with universal book links, is no longer operational. At least, not for me yesterday.

Luckily, our books are on D2Digital, and their links are supposed to be universal. Just a matter of checking and double-checking all of them.

That was yesterday, so what could I do to keep myself quiet and out of trouble today?

Probably not the best time to dive into the current WIP, but that was my first choice. Side-stepping into someone else’s life (and problems) has to be better than anything else I can think of right now.

But wait, I could finish reading Letting Go by Jacquie Biggar. The story of two sisters that I am really enjoying at the moment. As a sister, I can relate to their problems, especially now.

I know what I mean by that; you will just have to guess!

Letting Go Book Description

A coming-of-age novel about the pain of misconceptions and learning from them.

When life gives you lemons…


Mom is barely in the grave and the prodigal child is here to pick the bones clean.

I don’t want her here. My sister’s defection is a wound that won’t heal, and her return simply rubs at the scabs covering my heart.

I’ve managed just fine without her. She can go back to her fancy college and forget about us- that’s what she does best anyway.

If only I didn’t need her help. Or miss her so much.


The day my dad committed suicide I ran. I’ve been running ever since.

Going home is supposed to be the answer. Instead, it makes me question every thoughtless decision I’ve made.

My sister hates me. My little brother barely knows me. And Simon… is engaged.

None of it matters- or so I tell myself. I’m here to make amends and face a past haunted by regret.

As long as I can convince myself to stay.

Letting Go is a young adult romance dealing with tragedy, restitution, and love in all its aspects. The story relates to sensitive topics that may be triggering for some readers.

Things that Matter… #HealthUpdate

In a way, I thought this quotation to be quite significant for us, as rather than making a fuss about all the delays, we have been exercising patience. Luckily, this has paid off, and after months of radio silence, medical appointments have been raining down on us lately from all directions.

I finally received a follow-up appointment on Friday for my blocked cardiac artery. I was beginning to think they had decided, all things being considered due to the current state of the NHS, that my heart could manage on its own. After all, it has been over four months, and I am still here.

My sister now has checkups booked this week for her heart and thyroid, diabetes and iron, so, we have swapped one kind of waiting for another, but there should be some good news at the end!

We’re still kicking!