Inside the mind, trouble swells Next tick of the clock brings it nearer to the people seated at the table Eating food that has been prepared Rushing the meal, chasing time Cod on the menu, bone warning Evening meal under moonlight People take their chances There is something bigger than time hidden between the fabric of space Overshadowed by unknown forces Rain, black as night covers the street Souls ancient, dance between the shadows… ©AnitaDawes2022
Some people live charmed lives, don’t they?
Everything good seems to drop in their laps. As I get closer to the end of my days, I have been unable to stop wondering why my life had to be the way it was. Back then, I always seemed to be at the end of the queue when dishing out happy days.
I would have settled for dull and boring days, anything but one more day of misery.
People who know me know I am a trier, and I sometimes wonder if that was half the trouble. Maybe if I wasn’t so willing to accept everything that fate threw at me, my life might have been easier to live. Not known for ducking and diving, you see. At the time, I thought all I had to do was wait until I was old enough to do my own thing.
I was determined to climb to the top of the dung heap, to breathe fresh, clean air, the air of success, of possibilities, and make something of my life. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, this never really happened. I trudged through an endless succession of hopeless situations.
I hurtled from one mistake to another. They were never the same mistake, though, something I remember with a touch of pride, not that it helped much.
My life is full of shadows. Shadows that haunt me every day.
My heart is like a piece of Kintsugi, carefully repaired many times but hanging in there like a trooper.
Getting older has been a Godsend for me. I am more in control now, and many shadows have faded, no longer waiting in the corners to ruin my days. There are one or two things I would love to change, to put right what I did wrong all those years ago, but time sometimes makes this impossible.
As my life slows down and my memories lose clarity, I hope to enjoy the gathering peace for a while longer…
Shadows stretch across the floor Disappearing into darker corners Hidden in mind’s eye, they linger, like lost souls, looking for home Any thoughts I had, were mixed, scrambled, questioning Kites when they break free, that’s what shadows remind me of When they hide in a darker space, are they free? Evening shadows, are they the same ones, out of hiding? Silly thoughts that take hold of the mind Peppering the space inside my head, with strange things to ponder on Evening starlight, are there shadows up there? Away from our gaze, I wonder Running after my own shadow for too long Ending where I began… ©AnitaDawes2022
Playing inside the long grass Happy, safe, childhood free of pain In my family’s hands I grew Leaving home, my first pain Arrives, concealed in sweetness Dad kissed my cheek, waved me on Education, part of the plan Later, life grew strange Pushed by my peers Hell was raised In pain, loss of innocence Away I staggered from college life to the safety of my home… ©AnitaDawes2022
ABOUT US: For those new to our website and blog, we would like to thank you for visiting. Between us, we write in several different genres, so there should be something for everyone to enjoy. Anita cannot abide computers, so I (Jaye) do all the technical (oily rag) stuff! Our books tend to be varied, from horror to supernatural romance and coming of age, and mystery thrillers. We try to keep our website interesting with guest posts, bloggers, poetry, and reviews for all the books we read. Our books are shown in the right-hand sidebar and clicking on the images should take you straight to Amazon. If you enjoyed your visit, we would love you to leave a comment… Hoping to see you again!
I used to think living on my own was fine then the shadows moved in followed by voices, they want me out they say the house is theirs time to turn the tables I threw flour in the air The shadows vanished The voices remained They whisper in the peeling wallpaper Through the cracks in the floorboards I strip the wallpaper, filled the cracks The house is quiet I reclaim my sanity. ©AnitaDawes2022
Dark half entities Day or night, reach across the land. Breaking away from their hosts Elongated, misshapen forms Forests, great monuments. We too have our own half-life Following where we go Bending its shape to the landscape Stretching along walls, leading the way Searching along the River Thames Playing with the water Dancing with the light Teasing, find me, touch me. I have watched the shadows Shrink back into themselves As if frightened by a stranger form They return to their host. The land around is bright again Lit by the sun. When the time is right Our own earth reaches into space Like a dark searchlight. I wait, hold my breath watch Pac-man eat the moon Until the dark shadow is complete... ©AnitaDawes2019
Morning shadows dance across the fields Like children playing Evening shadows lengthen Giants disturbing time Trying to make space to linger Some, wishing they were nothing Not dust to blow away with the wind No light can cast them out They search for a place to rest, to be unseen Sounds of the river call for drowning Washing away of sad thoughts Shadows pass over shadows Entanglement ensues Shadows continue to move Within the many shades of darkness… © AnitaDawes2021
Worry is a terrible thing, it steals the quality of life from right under your nose, reducing your world into a place of doom and gloom. We have been sitting on a massive worry these past six months and have refused to start the new year until we had good news.
I have desperately tried to keep everything normal, finish my WIP and keep the website going, but have to admit it was a poor imitation of the real thing, and I apologise for that.
I have not been sharing much of this with our friends and followers and this may seem strange after all your incredible support when Anita had that massive heart attack in 2020. Your love and good wishes pulled us through that terrible time, but when disaster struck again last year, it seemed far more serious, and we really felt that talking about it might make it worse.
Anita’s heart is still severely damaged, and despite having two stents and a pacemaker fitted, it only barely functions. When a series of lumps started to appear around her neck last year, the alarm bells started ringing again.
Because of the raging virus and all the hospital delays, it took months to have the lumps investigated. The consultant mentioned cancer and after deliberation, they finally decided to remove part of her thyroid. Surgery was a problem as they didn’t think her heart was strong enough, but they said that delaying it was not an option.
A nightmare time for all the family, especially Anita for she can’t abide hospitals at the best of times. My sister has never been ill and to be struck down by two life threatening illnesses almost at the same time seems very unfair. She made it through the surgery without incident, but we had to wait two agonising weeks to get the results of the tests.
By this time, we were all terrified and sick with worry, dreading the news.
The day of the appointment, I felt sick to my stomach but somehow kept a smile on my face. I think I held my breath when she was called into the consultants office, but five minutes later the door opened and she rushed out of the room, a massive smile on her face. We watched in amazement as she ran out of the ENT department to a standing ovation from the nurses.
By this time, we knew the news must be good, but I wanted to know how good. Just before we all reached the lifts, I caught her arm and made her stop walking. ‘Well,’, I said and waited.
She stood there and laughed at me, and I didn’t think she was going to say anything.
‘THERE IS NO CANCER,’ she shouted.
All the way home in the car, she kept saying those words, and her relief was wonderful to see. Despite the odds, her poor old ticker had survived the surgery and she was cancer free.
But four days later, we had to rush back to the hospital, as Anita was having trouble breathing. She is now back home, but it seems that worrying isn’t going anywhere after all.
She is looking better, although still very weak and breathless much of the time. The list of her medications grows ever longer, but … and you may have noticed this, none of what happened has stopped her writing her poetry.
Now all I have to do, is get my own head back together!
I love the way Anita has woven the shadows throughout this poem…