Some people live charmed lives, don’t they?
Everything good seems to drop in their laps. As I get closer to the end of my days, I have been unable to stop wondering why my life had to be the way it was. Back then, I always seemed to be at the end of the queue when dishing out happy days.
I would have settled for dull and boring days, anything but one more day of misery.
People who know me know I am a trier, and I sometimes wonder if that was half the trouble. Maybe if I wasn’t so willing to accept everything that fate threw at me, my life might have been easier to live. Not known for ducking and diving, you see. At the time, I thought all I had to do was wait until I was old enough to do my own thing.
I was determined to climb to the top of the dung heap, to breathe fresh, clean air, the air of success, of possibilities, and make something of my life. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, this never really happened. I trudged through an endless succession of hopeless situations.
I hurtled from one mistake to another. They were never the same mistake, though, something I remember with a touch of pride, not that it helped much.
My life is full of shadows. Shadows that haunt me every day.
My heart is like a piece of Kintsugi, carefully repaired many times but hanging in there like a trooper.
Getting older has been a Godsend for me. I am more in control now, and many shadows have faded, no longer waiting in the corners to ruin my days. There are one or two things I would love to change, to put right what I did wrong all those years ago, but time sometimes makes this impossible.
As my life slows down and my memories lose clarity, I hope to enjoy the gathering peace for a while longer…