The Windows of my Soul…

a big yellow, dizzy emoji
Image by Christian Dorn from Pixabay

The Windows of my Soul…

The first time it happened, I thought my brain had decided to quit, breakdown or crash, whatever it is brains do when they die. One minute I was perfectly fine, reading something on the computer screen and then it happened.

My brain lurched.  That is the best way I can describe what it felt like. It was as if the contents of my head twisted around in one quick movement. Instantly, I felt sick and nauseous, and when I tried to stand, the room revolved violently, and I had to sit down again.

I was unable to walk or work. I wasn’t actually sick, but it felt as though I would be at any minute. The following morning, I opened my eyes, expecting the worst, only to discover whatever it was had gone. It didn’t happen again for what seemed like a long time, but I had to endure these “dizzy days” every couple of months, and although I coped with it, I secretly worried what it could mean.

Last year these ‘spells’ have begun to get closer together and last a little bit longer than just one day. This was roughly when the optician discovered I had cataracts growing in my eyes. They were very small and didn’t need to be removed yet. I was assured they were not the cause of my symptoms and prescribed a special coating for my glasses to combat the glare from the computer screen.

Fast forward to this year and the dizzy spells. They last for a bit longer now, and another visit to the opticians confirmed that the cataracts are still small and unlikely to be causing me trouble. Again, I am not convinced. Something must be causing all my dizziness.

I found respite by wearing sunglasses over my glasses, at the computer as well as out of doors, and may invest in new tinted glasses to avoid wearing two pairs all the time. I have been reluctant to bother my doctor again, as he didn’t have a clue last time I went. I already suspect it is probably yet another of those mysterious ailments that must be endured as part of growing old. I am learning to limit my screen time and I cannot wear my glasses all day either.

The thought of losing my sight, or worse, fills me with equal amounts of fear and dread. I think of all the things I love to do and might not be able to manage anymore, and don’t know how I will cope if the worst happens. Quite apart from my writing and hobbies, there are so many other things I love to do. It breaks my heart to even consider life without them all.

For a start, what would I do all day…?

Jaye’s Week… Growing old Disgracefully…

I am not fond of the house we live in.

It is a vast improvement to where we lived before, and why we moved.

But…  life here is getting harder. The stairs are a struggle for my arthritic knees. It gets too hot in the summer because the insulation in the loft is ancient. We freeze in the winter because we only have a few ancient storage heaters.  Parking is another nightmare because we live on a busy and noisy main road!


Just lately, I am feeling an infinity with the place as it starts to show its age. Which leads me to wonder how much longer we can live here. I long to live near woods or water, preferably both…

Serious cracks are appearing on walls and ceilings, and ominous creaks follow me up and down the stairs, and not just from my knees!
The chimney stack on the roof is supported by steel bands, but chunks of brickwork rain down into our yard on a regular basis.
Doors swing closed all by themselves and the bathroom floor slopes like the Swiss alps.

This house was built in 1887, which makes it 134 years old. So, how old is too old for a domestic domicile?

I suppose there will come a time when the cost of repairs or renovation will become a bridge too far. A bit like me?

I take vitamins, fish oil, turmeric and as healthy a diet as I can manage, and attempt yoga every day, but am I doing any good? And when did I switch from being a silver surfer into a mouldy golden oldie?

How long before I get condemned, along with the house?




To Be or not to Be?

 

This morning, as I was reading the news on my PC, there was an article about recognising the signs of Alzheimers or dementia, and as I am constantly being told that I am well on my way to having one or the other, I gave it a read.

I suppose it was inevitable at my age, 75, for the remarks to start,  because I must admit I am nothing like I used to be. (Sssh, don’t tell anyone I said that!)

 For instance:

… How many times do I forget what I am doing, or what I was going to do?

… How many times do I ask the same question or misunderstand the answer?

… How many attempts to find the right words to express myself.

… Are my mood swings more pronounced? Although personally, despite public opinion, I think I am having more good moods lately.

… Am I have trouble learning new skills? (This is not exactly new, I have always been a bit dense, but I get there in the end!)

But on the good side:  (That I managed to find a few of these pleased me no end!)

I haven’t yet got lost in the street. (Although I did recently forget my dentist appointment)

I haven’t yet staggered down the road, waving my knickers in the air. (And I hope I never do, but it could happen apparently!)

I haven’t lost interest in any of my projects or hobbies. Just the time I need to do them!

I can still do sums in my head and follow a plot. (More or less!)

I have begun to worry less about our progress, but do wonder if this is down to losing the plot!

One of my main accusers is also displaying some of these telltale signs, so it is probably only a matter of time for either one of us falls foul to the disease of the aged…  This isn’t a competition I intend to win, however…

All joking aside, I am becoming a little concerned about the state of my brain. At first, it was amusing and on a good day, it can be hilarious, watching myself do the most stupid of things. Like going out for a walk without any shoes on, or forgetting to switch on the washing machine/computer/iron/oven and wonder why nothing happens. One of the best was wondering why the kettle didn’t quite fit in the fridge. Even I had to laugh at that one.

All of this is beginning to affect my writing too, despite all the notes I make, and the frantic checking to find what I actually wrote yesterday.

I still get a satisfying buzz when I achieve something or reach my daily total, but the extent of my elation is in itself alarming. I am having to work in short bursts, and this is playing havoc with my productivity!

The Book Tour for Silent PayBack is nearly over, and we have been overwhelmed by the amount of support and good wishes we have been receiving! So huge thanks to everyone involved!

The price will rise on Thursday, so if you don’t have your copy yet, you don’t have long!

 

 

 

A Following Wind…

butterfly II

 

I recently wrote a very smug post about how clever  productive I think I am being, but have since come to realise that although I have learnt so much more than I ever thought I could, along comes another truckload of stuff that I would love to be able to do. So much more to learn about book promotion, for a start.

This is on top of a workday crammed with so many things; I doubt I could fit anything else in. And if I thought my brain lacked something before, this is nothing compared to the state of it now.

I am talking about all the times I come to a standstill in the middle of the room, without a clue as to what I was doing or about to do. Could be either! And the times I catch myself doing something crazy, like trying to shove the kettle into the fridge!

Writing is becoming a bit of a problem too. If it wasn’t for the existing outline, storyboard and a pile of post-it notes, I don’t think my work would be coherent these days, unless my muse’s brain is in a better state than mine. I pray that it is.

I can manage to work on the PC efficiently enough; as I have an extensive filing system of all the lessons I have learnt at my fingertips, without which I could not function. Adding to these problems is the cataract in my left eye. Even on a good day, my vision is reduced; leading to feverish cleaning of the glasses, convinced the fault is there.

The rest of my body is starting to convey dubious messages also. Messages I try to ignore, but refuse to go away. After my tussle with cancer earlier this year, I felt remarkably well, but something still seems to be wrong and this state of euphoria has gradually faded, leaving me with more questions than answers.

Basically, all things considered, I know I am fighting a slowly losing battle on all fronts. It all seems to be downhill from here, and I had no idea how steep the incline would be. When did I get this old?

I still get good days, and not about to hang up my pencil just yet, though. Despite everything, I am still having fun, loving every confusing minute, even those annoying head banging ones. All the wonderful people we have met have made the journey worthwhile, and with a benevolent God and a following wind, the journey isn’t over yet!