#Depression

Sad News…

You may have noticed that we have been among the missing for a few days.

Well, it’s not my fault or the weather. Since my last post on the joys of getting outside at last, and all the gardening I hoped to do, the weather has been terrible. Torrential rain, terrifying winds and freezing temperatures have left us all reeling and wondering what next.

What did happen next had me exercising my God-given right to slope off with a serious case of the miseries. Not something I usually approve of, but soldiering on, trying to ignore what was happening, suddenly wasn’t working for me anymore.

The basic reason for all of this has been my increasing inability to do even the simplest of jobs, including walking. Not to mention the depression of being unable to write for the first time in years…

After a lifetime of health troubles, I had begun to think that this last stage of my life would be a simple slowing down, that demon fate had finally run out of surprises for me. I don’t know why I thought that really, as what has been happening to Anita these last three years should decry that notion.

It seems I am way off the mark, for the breathlessness and the new pain in my joints have increased way past simple arthritis. I can no longer walk any distance; even cooking a meal is a nightmare. I have acquired the nickname, Quasimodo, for I must serve the meal hunched over, the pain preventing me from standing upright.

After dragging myself out of bed in the early hours to fetch pain relief yet again, I went back to bed and found myself weeping from the frustration. That was when I knew I had a problem, one I couldn’t ignore any more.

I telephoned my doctor, expecting to wait several days for an appointment, but after explaining, I was told to turn up for an emergency blood test. I have an appointment to discuss the results on Tuesday. At the very least, I should get better pain relief.

All of this is nothing new for me, and years ago I would have taken it all in my stride. These days, I just want a quiet (pain-free if possible) life where I can write, blog and garden to my heart’s content and be able to care for my sister…

This week has been one of the worst times ever, and I have been literally shrinking away from writing anything, even a post, as I’m sure you don’t need any more depressing.

I know I don’t, and I’m drowning in it!

So hard to keep hoping for a miracle…

To keep cheerful when you feel like screaming.

There has been no news from the hospital about Anita’s MRI, and she has been noticeably down this week. I have practically turned myself inside out trying to cheer her up, to no avail. All I have managed to do is make her grumpier than ever!

I have tried to find out about the delay, but the lack of positivity has only deepened our depression. It almost feels as though Anita has been forgotten.

I have also discovered that stress is no friend to arthritis. Something my knees have been proving as they hurt more every day. I cannot concentrate at all, so the WIP is no further along.

The world (and the handcart it occupies) has slid down even further in my estimation. Whoever said that life couldn’t get any worse must be kicking themselves to death right now. Going to the shops has become a nightmare. And I hate wearing a mask!

So if anyone out there knows how to survive these bad times, do let us know, cos were a bit desperate!

Just to prove that all us not lost, stolen, or completely ruined; I want to finish this post on a better note.

Just when depression was biting hard, I was sitting at my writing desk (twiddling my thumbs and hoping for some inspiration) and looking out the window. The view is not great, just our backyard and the shelves with my bonsai. If I close one eye and squint, I can just about see the end of the garden from here and love to watch the trees moving in the wind.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving among my bonsai. Two birds, Mr and Mrs Sparrow were visiting every small tree, darting about in obvious enjoyment.