not just a garden plant…
I have always been an honest person, but somewhere along the line, I have often found myself hiding from the truth.
Just recently, I convinced myself that all my doctors were wrong. That if I exercised my socks off, I could be the person I used to be.
And I did try. (and still do!)
This was before all the other problems arrived, but with each one, I still believed I could beat them all. I would carry on as usual, do all the things I loved and never look back.
That was when I still believed I would live forever, that none of these problems would get in the way.
But one by one, these problems have shown me a different story…
My three aneurysms, which I was told were slow-growing and that I would outlive them, have been slowly proving these doctors wrong. They are making themselves known, especially the one in my head.
Apart from the most appalling headaches, I have almost lost the sight in my left eye. If I want to see anything properly, I must keep that eye shut, as the blurred double vision makes me so giddy I am scared of falling down again.
Aneurysm number two has decided to make itself known by reacting every time my asthma plays up. I debated whether to press the ‘help me’ button, but I know the outcome, so I won’t be pressing anything.
Against my better judgment, I seem to be slipping into that sorry world of knowing there is nothing I or anyone else can do that will carry me through. I even have a plan, should the worst begin to happen. When the final pain arrives, I shall go to sleep; better that than watching it happen.
These sentiments are based, of course, on the knowledge that those doctors would not waste their time trying to fix me. I am 82 and past all redemption. (according to them) I do sympathise, I mean, where would they start?
Stepping away from all this doom and gloom, I am having a whale of a time finishing Swan Song. Writing has always brought me so much joy, so I am grateful to be able to do it now…
love always
Jaye 💕
Leave a Reply