Well, I went ahead, out of sheer desperation, I might add, and paid for a professional blurb for Anita’s wonderful story, The Scarlet Ribbon. This is part of our general improvement campaign.
I am not sure how I feel about the result, to be honest, but I know I can rely on our good friends to point me in the right direction.
The Original Blurb on Amazon
When a car loses control and mows Maggie down, leaving her in a coma, her life changes dramatically in an instant, and she finds herself in another world.
A world where she rescues a sad, neglected and abused child from a violent situation, but when it looks as though Maggie will wake up in her own world, she has to find a way to bring the child back with her.
Is this other world real, or was she only dreaming, locked in the prison of her coma?
And if it is real, can she save the child?
One of my efforts ??
Will love take Maggie to the place she was meant to be…
A car loses control and mows her down in the street, changing her life forever.
She finds herself lost in another world, unable to communicate
Forced to witness the bitter truth of her old life.
She rescues an abused and terrified child, determined to take her home
But how is this even possible if she has to stay in this nightmare world?
The Blurb I Paid For…
Where do you go when you’re in a coma?
Maggie doesn’t like her life, but when she ends up in a coma after a runaway car knocks her down, she finds herself fighting for it. Fighting to wake up to the sound of her husband’s voice that she keeps hearing but is unable to respond to.
However, when the darkness of the coma takes her to another world, Maggie starts fighting for a lot more.
There’s a child in that world, a neglected and abused girl in a horrible situation. Maggie doesn’t hesitate to rescue her but is unsure what to do next. She needs to leave this strange world and wake up – and hopefully change a lot in her life; she didn’t even realize how bad it became – but what about the girl? She can’t just leave her there!
Trapped between life and death, Maggie can’t determine what’s real and what’s just a dream her comatose brain is producing while struggling to heal. But if it is real, can she find a way to bring the girl back with her?
Can she save the child that desperately needs her?
Over to you my friends, and please be brutally honest, my blurb writing days are depending on you…
Anita Dawes and Jaye Marie 
My vote would be for the paid one if it wasn’t too wordy/too long. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, that was the general opinion on that one. I thought it said far too much…
LikeLike
I also agree with Darlene, and Audrey’s justification. xx Michael
LikeLike
Reblogged this on https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
LikeLike
I agree with Darlene, and like her version. The original uses “world” too much, and the paid one is too long.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I was hoping for a clear winner, but it seems I have more work to do… 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Blurbs are harder to write than books!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Much harder… and I don’t understand why this is…
LikeLike
I think your two attempts are close and the one you paid for is too long. Where I got caught up is with the reference to “world.” I think I’d prefer more clear terminology such as “lost inside her unconscious body” and “when she wakes up.” The other word I wasn’t keen on was “mows” as in “mows her down.” I’d prefer something like, “runs her over” or “hits her.” Otherwise, I think you’ve pretty much got it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the helpful comments, I will take them on board when editing this blurb… 📚
LikeLike
Although I like the one you paid for, I think it is too long and gives too much information. I think a combo of the second one (which is a bit short) and the one you paid for (getting rid of some of the words) would work.
LikeLiked by 2 people
OK, here is a feeble attempt by me. I’m sure you will do better but it is just an idea.
Will love take Maggie to the place she was meant to be…
A car loses control and mows her down in the street, changing her life forever.
Maggie doesn’t like her life, but when she ends up in a coma, she fights desperately for it.
Lost in another world, unable to communicate, she’s forced to witness the bitter truth of her old life. In this dark world, she rescues an abused and terrified child and is determined to take her home.
Trapped between life and death, Maggie doesn’t know what’s real and what’s a dream. Can she find a way to bring the girl back with her? She needs to wake up and change a lot in her life and help this child.
But is this possible if she is forced to stay in a nightmare world?
LikeLike
You might have something there, Darlene… thank you… 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was encouraged to learn more with the original blurb
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Annette, really good to know that… 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person