What would I change about me?
(This post has been inspired by something I read on whenwomeninspire.com)
I don’t think I have ever really liked myself.
Abandoned by my mother, bullied at school, a wallflower at every gathering, I was always in trouble of one kind or another.
At least that’s how it seemed to me.
Of course, all of those things just reinforced my idea that I had to be the most unwanted person on the planet, and this served to make me a loner in every sense of the word and funnily enough, I came to like it that way.
People either ignored me or nagged me to death, so I couldn’t wait to be old enough to live my own life, my way. Little did I know then that I was already earmarked to make more mistakes than the average bear. This led me to wish I could be different so many times.
I must have said the same thing repeatedly. If I were only shorter/thinner/prettier/smarter/braver, my life would miraculously change overnight.
Even now, at 74, there are more things I would change if I could. Admittedly, some I could manage if I were more determined, but everything else I must put up with, as old age is not being kind.
I have always been remarkably healthy, despite being prone to catching everything that was doing the rounds. (and a few that weren’t!)
So why have I never been happy with myself?
I have long wondered about this, for it didn’t seem that difficult to achieve, judging by the people around me. It doesn’t depress me too much but seems to reflect on everything I do. Anything I create is never quite how I imagined it would be, and this can depress me.
I try so hard to get things right and just when I think I have succeeded, doubts begin to gather and creep in, knocking my confidence.
All of this is going to change in 2018.
Depression, doubt and dissatisfaction have been given notice to leave the building. I am not being morbid when I say this could be the last chance to get my act together, for I can feel the grim reaper creeping up behind me. I can’t tell how fast he is creeping, but I suspect I can keep ahead of him for a while longer!
At the moment, parts of me are in fierce competition to see which bit breaks down first, or simply stops working. So the pressure is on and the challenge has been accepted.
This year I will be more efficient with my time.
I will not waste my time or my patience on the unnecessary or futile.
I will seek out and find the fun in everything, and enjoy life a bit more…