So many times lately, I have been approaching my desk grudgingly, forcing a degree of false enthusiasm that will hopefully carry me through the day.
The idea, of course, is that faking it will encourage the real thing, just as it has done so many times before. As I say, this usually works, but not this time. I feel worn out, mentally and physically exhausted, desperate to find something to get excited about.
The weather yesterday was foul, Storm Eunice was gradually building up a head of steam, and I was watching the big old tree in my garden begin to thrash about in the strengthening winds. With each violent gust, I was amazed by how far the branches could bend, then simply float back again in the lull, seemingly undamaged.
These images stayed with me for the rest of the day, to be joined by more scenes of destruction as I watched the progress of the storm on TV. I still hadn’t found the will to work, so closed the PC and left my desk, determined to do better tomorrow.
It was still windy this morning. The branches of the old tree were still moving about, although less violently than yesterday. Somehow, this triggered an avalanche of thoughts. I have always been the strong one in the family, managing to cope and handle whatever life has thrown at us. (and some of it still makes me cringe)
Up until recently, I always imagined I was invincible, that nothing could bring me to my knees, but secretly, this isn’t true anymore. My knees, back and brain are bending, possibly breaking and I need to find a way to cope with this change of circumstance. I need to find a way to carry on and be happy while managing to keep everything else happy too.
I can see that tree from my desk, and it seems to be watching me too. It occurs to me that it does not choose to bend. Clever old Nature has designed it that way.
How has nature designed me, or is it a bit late to be asking?
To be continued
Jaye, a writing friend said something quite like this to me last week. We decided to do a weekly check in with each other to see where our writing was at. She was ready to quit. I was just sluggish and not writing much. From the 5 pages a month I’d been doing, I went up to 35 pages in a week and she revised her entire murder scene adding another! Oh and most important. She decided not to quit. I hope you keep writing. xo
I am looking for a way to continue, Cynthia…
This year seems to be about dealing with the consequences of the previous two, on the macro and micro, global and personal, levels, environmental and social, etc.
There’s a stand of exceptionally tall poplars I can see from my window. They’re across the way a bit, next to the edge of the lake. When storms strike they sway so far that I think they can’t possibly right themselves before the next gust hits. But they do. 🙂 They sometimes lose branches, and have, in a past ice-storm lost part of their main trunks, nevertheless, there they still stand. 🙂
Looking forward to reading Part 2 of your thoughts. 🙂
I have learned so much from trees… Thanks for commenting, Widds…
You guys have certainly been getting pounded over there with one storm after another. I love your observation of the tree. I can tell you from my own experience, that we often can bend much farther than we ever imagined before we break. Hang in there. Sending light and love!
Your gift is very welcome, Jan… 💕
Oh, I feel this feeling too after the last two years of carrying so much, and enduring so much. Sending you love today as you navigate those feelings and I’ll be looking forward to your next blog.
Thank you, Bridgette… writing these posts is helping me see the way forward…
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