So many times, this week, I have been approaching my desk grudgingly, forcing a degree of false enthusiasm that will hopefully carry me through the day. After such an inspiring week, I didn’t welcome the disappointment.
The idea, of course, is that faking it will encourage the real thing, just as it has done so many times before. This usually works, but not this time. I feel ill and worn out, both mentally and physically, desperate to shrug off whatever this latest ailment is. They say it’s wear and tear, that everything hurts for a reason. (I get the blame for everything!) I have another test at the hospital soon to see what’s going on, and it would be nice to have a helpful and treatable solution for a change!
The weather isn’t much better, and I watched the big old tree in our garden as it thrashed about in the blustery winds. With each violent gust, the branches bent, then floated back again in the lull, seemingly undamaged.
These images stayed with me for the rest of the day. I still hadn’t found the will or the strength to work, so I closed the PC and left my desk, determined to do better tomorrow.
It was still windy this morning. The old tree branches were still moving about, although less violently than before. Somehow, this triggered an avalanche of thoughts. I have always been the strong one in the family, managing to cope and handle whatever life throws at us. (and some of it still makes me cringe)
Until recently, I always thought I was invincible, that nothing could bring me to my knees, but secretly, this isn’t true anymore. I can cope with the arthritis and the damage from the heart attack and cancer, but this new nausea doesn’t want to go away. I must find a way to live with it and be happy while keeping everything else running.
I can see that tree from my desk, and it seems to be watching me. It does not choose to bend. Clever old Mother Nature has designed it that way.
How has nature designed me, or is it a bit late to be asking?
I should trust Mother Nature more, she normally gets it right!
Leave a Reply