Waiting for Spring


I sit here in front of my computer, hating myself for being as miserable as the weather has been lately, knowing I am made of stronger stuff. At least I think I still am. I have never let the weather get me down this bad before. But as you get older, winter seems to go on forever. The grey monotony of a cold, rainy days eats into your soul and you can be forgiven for thinking that this is it, no more happy sunshiny days. No more hope or inspiration.

I am getting quite old now and usually refuse to give in to the sneaky feeling that I’m supposed to be winding down and getting ready for the final switch off. Since my heart attack, I have been very aware that someone’s finger has been on that switch, just waiting for me to get too out of breath, or too angry or upset. I have been avoiding all those things, of course. But I am only human. Some days I feel like screaming out, ‘Just do it, get it over with!’ As I get sick and tired of all the waiting.
But other days, I am adamant that I am going nowhere, that I still have things to do. And I think that says it all. I should be going somewhere, but somewhere else.

As I sit here, looking out of my window at my all bonsai trees, they are waiting for Spring much as I am; snowflakes begin gently falling. They will not survive this time, I think, the ground is much too wet. But it is trying very hard, falling thickly now and getting nowhere. Nothing to show for all that effort. Why does that sound so familiar?

That is how I feel most days. Nothing much to show for all my time here on earth. Nothing much left, anyhow. When I climb out of the grey misery, those days when a little brightness peeps through the clouds, I have been wondering if there may be time for one last adventure. One last valiant effort to find some peace, some quiet beauty. Time to actually create something that will outlive me.

I think I have the strength for one last effort. I must have, for the courage has never left me. It seems to be all I have left…

11 thoughts on “Waiting for Spring

  1. The long grey months have sapped the strength from many of us… but the birds are building nests already, there are crocuses in bloom and the sun has painted a blue sky today… Not long till spring, I hope 🙂

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  2. The winter here, especially today has been fierce. The cold is well below freezing, and living in a house that was once a school house for the local mill about 100 years ago means there is a great deal of lacking in the insulation and heating areas. The herniated discs in the spine and neck begin to ache, the arthritis doesn’t help, and then there are the real problems.

    I cover up and do my writing and book promotions and thank the people helping me along the way, and then discover someone who keeps going as I do, and has bonzai trees which I have always wanted to have one or a 100.

    You never want people to ache and feel as bad as you might, but when you stumble upon people who are having a rough go of it physically at times it somehow makes you feel less alone in the world.

    Thank you for your kind gesture that led me here to read this post. And if Sue comments on your blog, then you must be an amazing person.

    Much Respect

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  3. We just had two days of sunshine in a row (OMG!!!) but back to the usual grey leaky skies. The last time we had any decent sunshine was probably back in early January, so I feel for you.

    The impermanence of life, eh? … sometimes it sucks as much as too much rain.

    But I wonder, what if one of the reasons stuff is put in front of us is for us to enjoy, to pay it a moment of attention, and then it moves on to its next purpose? As do we. That would account for rainbows and flowers and iridescent bird feathers and baby animal (any species) smiles.

    Truth is, we can’t create ‘legacies’. By definition they only exist after we’re gone. Best we can do is strive to move toward what makes our heart sing, and if that resonates with someone else after we’re gone (and/or while we’re still here) then that’s a bonus.

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