Jesse was waiting for me when I came down stairs this morning, and for probably the first time ever, I did not resent his arrival. Those sorrowful eyes echoed my own and I did not feel so very alone any more.
I used to resent his arrival, knowing the black mood that threatened to descend was about to get a hell of a lot worse. But I have grown fond of him over the years. No one else has ever bothered to stick around, although I can hardly blame them.
I miss not being able to touch him, or put my hands on his noble head. To put my face against his thick fur and feel his warmth and compassion, as I have done in the past with the real dogs I shared my life with. Jesse gives me unconditional love; I just hope he knows that I care for him too.
I have been looking at other things a little differently too, wondering if it would be the last time I see them. I would miss so many things, but not all.
I have been trying not to think about what might be happening to me, but like so many times in the past, I will probably survive this too.
The results will be negative again and my miserable life will continue. That is what I was concentrating on anyway. Not the miserable part though.
But Jesse knew.
He always knew what was in my heart, acknowledging the truth of the situation long before I did. Animals have no illusions, do they? They seem to accept what life throws at them, warts and all, but sometimes
I would love to know what they think about. Experts tell us that animals have no emotions, but how can they know this to be true?
I have been accused of having none either, as I appear to turn to stone in certain situations, but that is only what I allow to be seen and probably how I will conduct this latest trial.
On the surface, I can already feel the ice crystals forming as I refuse to get upset over something that may not even be happening.
Next week I will know the truth. I will be prodded and poked, x-rayed and scanned. If it looks bad, a needle may remove some tissue so they can judge how bad it is.
Then what will I do?
Will Jesse stay, or will I send him away, this time for good?
What will I do with what life I have left?
It already sounds as though I know what will happen, but I do not. Maybe, deep down, it is what I want, but I do not think so. My life is not wonderful, but I am not ready to relinquish it just yet…
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