I started 2025 as the person I thought I knew, warts and all, familiar, but someone I thought I could trust.
Life wasn’t easy, but it seemed doable.
Then, all of a sudden, it wasn’t doable any more.
Thinking back to the beginning of my troubles, when my legs stopped trying to move, I realise that it has been as much a journey for my body as it has for my mind. Sometimes, my mind gets the short end of the stick.
Every time I religiously exercised to try to restore some strength, my mind took a different path. Mrs Optimistic rapidly changed into Mrs Not on your life, and as the days slowly passed, my mind gradually turned in on itself, ruining every day.
I was battling on two fronts, one that everyone could see, and one that remained a secret. This secret world was one I hadn’t visited before, and it taught me so much about all the things I usually ignored. Being semi-helpless wasn’t pleasant, and being at the mercy of other people’s tolerance/generosity was, in a way, far worse than the weakness in my legs.
Unintentionally, I’m sure, I was made to feel stupid, as if the constant pain had robbed me of all sensible thought and feeling. I wanted to tell them they had it backwards. I could sense their reluctance, their annoyance, and those horrible times when their true feelings were spoken aloud.
Thing is, I didn’t like myself most of the time either…
Then, something began to change.
From a state of silent chaos, it turned into a different kind of silence. A silence that feels right. From feeling everything too darn much, I have become a different person. I have stopped worrying, wondering and all the speculation. This new silence is peaceful, a place where I feel real for probably longer than I care to consider.
If this change is to help me through the changes, I welcome it, for I no longer trust my own judgement. For the first time in a long while, the new year looks promising…
Back to the hospital tomorrow, my mind on hold, but all my fingers are crossed!
Jaye Marie and Anita Dawes 
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