I have been suffering with one medical thing or another for most of my life. Most of the time, thanks to my strong sense of survival, I have managed to cope, stuff most of the misery into a box, and get on with the business of living.
There have been a few serious lows when I have come much too close to meeting My Maker, but somehow, I managed to survive.
A few years ago, I found myself sliding down that familiar pit of despair again, but that time I had company. A large black Labrador that only I could see. Her name was Jessie, and she stayed with me, sitting by my side, wherever I happened to be.
I knew she wasn’t real, but I found myself needing her soothing company. My free hand would often find its way to her soft head while I struggled to write. She watched me constantly, her soulful brown eyes encouraging me to try harder, be stronger, for her if no one else.
When she finally left me, I was so sad, and my heart ached with her loss. I knew I would miss her terribly, but I hoped that her memory would continue to guide me, and it did for a while. Sometimes, though, I wish she would return.
This morning, I desperately needed her. I had slipped back into that ‘slough of despair…’ and I couldn’t stop my tears. Everything I tried to do seemed pointless and I wanted to give up, crawl away somewhere and forget everything. I called for her between sobs, but she never came. I have never felt so alone and helpless.
I need urgent medical help, and still have two more weeks to wait for the appointment. What has made this situation the worst ever, is that although my life has been one misery after another, I have come through in one piece. The thought that this time I won’t be getting any better in a hurry is unbearable.
I cannot talk to my family about all of this, for I know they feel just as miserable and helpless as I do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening, and for taking Jessie’s place for a while…
Jaye Marie and Anita Dawes 
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