It was only talking to a friend last night that alerted me to the fact that there is a name for the physical self-loathing I have suffered from all my life: Body DysmorphicDisorder.
I have long struggled to see myself as anything but plain, even ugly – and, for years, avoided mirrors. I have particular problems when it comes to the area of sexual attractiveness, so-called sex appeal: Have always suspect that I lacked whatever it was that constituted sex appeal and that I had to try really hard to please men – even agreeing to acts I found scary or distasteful – because I was so certain that I was not erotically alluring.
Like so many of us, I am a bundle of contradictions – but also I can see that my BDD has made me extremely vulnerable, both to men and to women. This hurts to…
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